Facade, Stubborn, Change, Grow

I'm back to emo again.

I'll still put some photos that's not related to the post anyway.

Sigh...

Yes, I've realised. 

I've realised that I become more wild and open (using what others describe me as).

Why did I change till like that?

Lets look back to what happened during the past 6 months.

Went through break up, 'A' level, doubting my passion, getting lost in life, finding for what I want in life, enjoying a month of really good life, then getting an 'A' level result that isn't good, trying to find a balance between work, passion, family household chores, friends, trying to deal with my illness, rushing portfolio, struggling between everything and anything, etc...

If I don't change, I won't be able to manage my life.

I'll end up being controlled by life rather than I controlling my own life.

I hate losing control of myself.

I hate losing control of my own life.

Maybe I should say that the break up, my 'A' level result, my illness, that one month of enjoyable time and rushing portfolio changed me...a lot.

The break up...seriously made me wanna block out all my feelings and emotions.

Being vulnerable is really irritating and sucks to the max.

So, at that time, I told myself that I'll take control of my own feelings.

And yes, I can do it now.

My 'A' level result...it's like a slap on my face.

Like seriously, it made me realised that no one care how much hard I put it, everyone only care about the result. Telling myself 'I did my best.' is just a way of consoling myself .

But, other than that, what else can I do?

Complain? Whine? 

As if it's gonna change anything.

Might as well just accept and move on.

But, this really make me realise how important it is be strong enough to accept failure.

And also, accept the fact that just hard work won't bring you anywhere far.

But without hardwork, you won't even go anywhere.

So..I'll still give my best.

It's either I give 100% or 0%.

All or none.

My illness...I wonder where I get all those courage to tell and show people around me about my hair when they ask.

I wonder why didn't I lie.

Coz their reactions makes me feel very pathetic.

I know they care about me.

Though I know there are people who just wanna look at it as a 'joke'. 

How did I survived all these?

Initially, i really couldn't take it.

It's too much for me.

Just imagine, people see the patches on your head and asked you what happen.
After you tell them, they give you that kind of  'You're so pitiful' look.
Everytime. Each and everytime.
I have deal why those looks with a smile, telling them that i'm really alright.
Especially in front of those people who I know they're just looking at this as a joke.
I can't show them that I'm weak.
I have to tell myself that I'm not pitiful.
Tiring,
From this, I learnt not to care too much about what others think.
Caring too much about it...won't help me much.
So why can't so much?

That one month of enjoyable time...made me realised that actually I'm already very fortunate.
I think about lots of things during that month.
I realised how much I love people around me.
I went oversea, had an awesome getaway, came back as a more contented and outgoing person.
At least that what I think.
I know what I want in my life and how I want it to be.
I might be a blank piece of paper.
But I know what am I gonna write and how am I gonna write on it.
And...there's one more thing, after I came back, I become straightforward.
I don't know whether it's a good thing or a bad thing.

And..rushing my portfolio...well...one sentence...Stress pushes my limits.

That's why I changed so much.
If I don't change, will I still be strong enough to handle all this shit?
Yes.. I'm forcing myself to change.
I don't wanna care too much.
I don't wanna think too much.

Listening to this while blogging.

Finding a balance in everything is tiring and impossible.
So, I decided to let go of everything.
At least for now.

BUT!!!
No matter how much I've changed, I will still love and care about people I love around me.
Like my dearest Lixing and Niki.
And also, Kenneth and my other cousins.
Maybe they won't like how I've become..
but...I have to change, i have to grow..

Lixing's birthday is like 3 days ago.
I feel so guilty coz I didn't spend enough time with her and didn't prepare present for her.
宝贝，对不起。
Shall make up to you soon.
30th March 2012 is the day my most beautiful daughter turn 19.
I hope she'll always stay so sweet and pretty.
Jiayou for whatever you wanna do.
Hold on to your dreams! Believe in whatever you do!
No one knows what will happen in the future.
Remember, don't leave any regrets.
All I wanna see is you being healthy, happy and doing whatever you like.
Gui Ma love you lots!!!
*hugs*
HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!!!

Ok..done emoing...back to reality.